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March 2012

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life moving on but sometimes its hard to forget everything.

so I find myself in a time of my life where I making huge changes in my life I finally have driver's license I am pursuing what I want most in my school life.
and finally getting out of my mother's house. I will admit not everything in my life has turned out the way I would have expected it to.
I never would have guessed that it would be in the kinds of relations ships I am now, never though the word polyamorous would end up meaning so much to me in this time of my life.

but it does, I have finally realized that I am just one of those persons that can love more then one person causally or seriously and I am okay with, that I am not sure about the rest of the world but if they really are my friends than it will all work out in the long run.

so it surpises me that I read up a blog from sevral years ago from an ex of mine that makes a flury of emtions fly at my head, I can smile form what I read and I also feel near rage, and almost wish I could cry.
but I have shed all the tears I can spare for that situation in my life, gave up any hope of that love coming back into my life. And yet its odd that for as long as we have both been apart the both of us have not really been back in a major relationship since it happened. I think we have both tried but its just not worked.

I feel as though I hate myself for the fact that as much as I try to push that time out of my life, I just can't forget it I can't forget how he made me feel and how it made me wonderful and when he tore all that away from me it was like it took a piece of me along with it and I still feel that in my life. I wonder if I can ever get over this, how many years does it take?

how many times do I have to remind myself that he hurt me so badly, not just by breaking up with me but my tossing aside any hope I had of having a friendship with him.

which I still have no idea why he did, it was easy to take the blame on myself. But I think more simply it was that he was mad about how he had treated me, mad at himself.

I am not sure the few times I did speak with him there was just a lot of negativity toward me. which I never could understand maybe I never will.

Its just hard to forget love, when you know it was really the real thing even when you knew it was real.

Comments

(Anonymous)

そうよね。Thanks Givingのお料理、懐かしい。

(Anonymous)

子供のとき、おせち料理って「食べるものないじゃん」とか言っちゃったのと同じで。。
おせち料理も美味しくないけど、イベント料理でうれしいのと同じで、Thanks Givingやクリスマスの料理もイベントでうれしい。