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March 2012

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its mean and almost hateful to say but I really dislike living with the person that I am at times. Its not that I don't like myself or that I don't love myself its that in a lot of ways I simply don't get myself.

Ok I get that I am a bisexual poly girl that loves doing Drag and Burlesque I feel much more myself when I am being artistic and creative I get that.

What I don't get is how I can become happy go lucky and then feel like crap and burst out crying randomly depressed over tiny, tiny things way to easily. Then afterward when I am in a better or different mind set I feel horrible about my stupid mopy depressed self.

I don't understand why on daily basis I get into mental arguments with myself over things....it feels like I have multiple voices in my head that I usually keep in my head but they are all arguing with each other over what I should do or what I want to do.....lol and lets be honest here a lot of the time some of these voice don't frankly have a lot of common sense.

it freaks me out that the more I think about the situation and what all could be going on the list instead of getting shorter seems to get BIGGER. I am taking time off from school for medical reasons ( a lot of which are metal health related) and since I don't have school going on right now my mind has pondered just what all is going on....I seem to have a lot of OCD tenancies, I also seem to be ADHD also......and now with the whole issue of having my brain race all over and holding in...mental arguments that go on in my head (the best way put that in words simply lol and yes I know how weird and odd I sound even when I say so) now I begin to think I could easily be somewhat bipolar.
I know have issues with depression, I think that its chronic I am not entirely sure....I also know I have really bad anxiety issues.

For some reason or another I have rally bad guilt issues also......not entirely sure why...just can and will become very guilt rid-in easily.
I figure since getting myself to a better state of mental health is a primary directive for me right now journaling it and sharing it in this format to doctors in a private setting is not a horrible idea.

Hopefully I can get myself to a health place again soon.

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